I’ve spent the last year shedding layers of my emotional self, to better understand who I am, how I am, what I seek to become and how to do this.

I found her, this woman that beckons me from a realm I never thought I’d traverse, tearing my heart apart, my hands apart, climbing cliffs and crying hours in offices over a life that was spent in a holding pattern basically waiting for others to catch up, wise up, notice and want to be involved with me. With my life.

It’s funny, knowing all this now, and knowing that at some point, the salvation was -being- involved. Not electronically, but emotionally with others, through experiences common and unique. Through climbing, painting, learning…sometimes even failing together, I found a woman I never thought I’d get to meet in this lifetime.

Someone confident, strong, still shy and emotional, but more open to risk and to giving, than of ever wanting in return. She brings me happiness no other person has ever brought: the security of knowing who you are.

©: (M)factr

Last year I was recovering from loss, of risks with no reward, of emotional over extension. I was surrounded by the toxic, and the more one feeds into it, the harder it is to always see out of it. And this was true. I couldn’t see anything last year. I felt hurt, I felt alone. There was an illusion of happiness in my life, but it was hollow, and it ate at me.

Taking out the trash is such a rich sentiment. It’s good for practically every occasion.

Have emotional trash? Good, take it out, don’t let it stink up your self.

Have physical trash? Good, work it out, don’t let it drag you down.

Have people trash? Nice. Get rid of those that pollute the environment around you, lest you do it to others in return because your environment is polluted as well.

See? Such a good sentiment, and so true.

I took all my trash out and started taking new risks, better risks. I emotionally extend myself to people who at least reach in my direction now, and want to be involved. I still give a lot, but they are pieces I willing give without remorse or loss of self.

By the end of last year, I had finally fallen in love with life, and in some way, with myself, or a piece of myself I had never seen before, or let myself see before.

Most days, I leave the house feeling sexy, strong, confident and determined. And on the days I don’t? Well, I at least return home feeling that way from having accomplished something. And that is what matters now.

Getting it done.